The drums beat out a crisp beat, urging their soldiers forward. Bom, bom bom bom. The microscopic soldiers have marched for two weeks without rest, laying siege to John’s immune system. They’ve sieged the nose, razed the throat, and left the stomach a burned husk, and yet they drive on. How much longer could this war go on, they wonder. Their wives are lonely. Their children are hungry. Bom, bom bom bom.

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John has a fatal secret in this episode that he doesn’t reveal until it’s too late. Seriously, we discuss robot cookbooks fueled by neural network learning, including Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Chocolate Cake and Chocolate Chips with Chocolate Chips, and the entire time John is harboring a secret that could threaten the very existence of the podcast. We even change topics to The Legend of Zelda: The Breath of the Wild on the Nintendo Switch and all of its intricate, interlocking systems, and John doesn’t once mention his terrible and dark secret. After a nice The Break featuring American Girl by Dumspell, spirits are low, but Breath of the Wild picks them up again along with a few other video games and a tiny discussion of the Mass Effect series, cause if Henry’s piloting this ship, we head into video game territory like 100% of the time. Only then, in the death throes of the episode, does John reveal his insidious secret before promptly tail-spinning into one of the most dramatic endings to a podcast since the season one finale. It’s all here, folks. Everything.

Music:
American Girl by Dumspell
https://dumspell.bandcamp.com/track/dumspell

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Greetings listener, to this weary episode of Zero Credit(s)! Henry and John crawl out of their respective corporate holes to deliver a bold prediction: capitalism will persist for six more weeks. That doesn’t stop John from getting uncharacteristically fired-up about Lucha Libre, though, as he schools Henry on the finer points of the seedy action of Lucha Underground. Ever wondered how high a coffee table should be? Worry not, because the boys call in a ringer for some intense interior design tips. All of this, and much more, is punctuated by the lovely music of Joshua Forrest during The Break. NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS

Music: On Misty Steppes by Joshua Forrest
soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/joshuacforrest/tracks

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Welcome back, listeners, to Season Two. This time around, we’ve got loads of things to talk about, from Furby bug reports to representing women in film in this brash new string of 80’s and 90’s revived franchises. Should women always be represented as the tough warriors we see them as in films constantly? Maybe. Or should films follow the more general guideline of let ________ be ________. Then we have a pretty hopping The Break featuring music by Flying Raccoon Suit. Somewhere along the line, John and Henry fight verbally over the meaning of punctuations in the fast-paced world of personal communications. Whose side are you on? It’s the Zero Credits Punctuation Civil War Hour! And it’s all for you, dear listener, so please be a dear and listen. Periods do not connote anger.

Music:
Parasites by Flying Raccoon Suit
bandcamp: https://flyingraccoonsuit.bandcamp.com/

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“The World’s Greatest Podcast 2017”

Season 2 is live, listeners. Henry and John have cleaned the old Zero Credit(s) Lodge up a little bit, but they smashed most of the lights and threw out some precious segments. A darker, more streamlined abode awaits you beyond the threshold. Should you choose to enter, you would be delighted by the semi-informed critiques of the American healthcare system, flabbergasted by their ignorance of insurance, and flummoxed by the serendipity of their themes. Your favorite break has, unfortunately, been donated to feed the demons. In its place, however, is an exciting new The Break, a place for a weary listener to relax their minds and open their ear-minds. Also, masturbation and bodybuilding. Typical Zero Credit(s) stuff! Welcome to season 2, ya nerds! PAKOW

Music:
The World Moves On by Allen Mann
bandcamp: https://allenmann.bandcamp.com/

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It’s time, Dear listeners. Time for season one of your favorite, time-honored podcast to come to a rapid and satisfying(?) close. All the plot lines come rushing in to a gooey, cupcake-filled singularity in a way that will both thrill, shock, and discomfort you. In traditional TV-style, we’re not pulling any of our punches for this, the last episode of the current season. Someone will talk about video games. Someone will talk about movies. Someone might die. The stakes have never been higher, nor more confusing and/or just plain made up altogether. Get those cameras rolling and your DVR soaring, it’s m’f’in’ Zero Credit(s) time up in this block of scheduled programming.

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> enter zero credits

You haul your worryworn carcass across the threshold of another Zero Credit(s) episode.
To the EAST there is a hairdresser, starved for conversation. To the NORTH there is happiness. To the WEST there is a Literary Canon. What do you do?

> w

The Literary Canon is stuffed with misplaced aggression toward Walden. To the EAST there is an episode of Zero Credit(s).

> fire literary cannon

I don’t understand.

> e

You haul your worryworn carcass across the threshold of another Zero Credit(s) episode.
To the EAST there is a hairdresser, starved for conversation. To the NORTH there is happiness. To the WEST there is a Literary Canon.

> e

The hairdresser looks at you pleadingly, but clearly has no idea how to extract meaning from your interaction. “Is that your Jeep,” she asks.

> no

The hairdresser shrugs her shoulders, uncomfortable in her own skin.

> w

You haul your worryworn carcass across the threshold of another Zero Credit(s) episode.
To the EAST there is a hairdresser, starved for conversation. To the NORTH there is happiness. To the WEST there is a Literary Canon.

> n

There is happiness, sitting in front of you.

> get happiness

You don’t understand.

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It’s all sports this week, folks, so buckle on those pads and strap in that chin protector part of the helmet, cause things are about to get real foot-ball tough. In a spectacular copyright dodging special, Henry and John discuss all the basics of foot-ball, including the rules and regulations that give John the ole Blue 42 run-around. OMAHA. We then dive into the high thrilling halftime before we take a break to discuss the special commercials featured on this high-octane day. KILL KILL KILL. John then calls an audible(.com, please sponsor us), and we dive head first into that longest yard known as Listener Mail. It’s all here. Truly, truly this tiny episode contains all the foot-ball you could want for a full year (when we’ll do it all again). HUT HUT HIKE!

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