Let’s just put this up front: you GOTTA care about this Equifax thing. I’m in serious trouble if Henry and John find out I’m not weaving this into a mirthsome episode description, but you GOTTA take steps to prevent your identity being stolen. Even if you’re just giving this podcast the ole 71 Try and you’ve seen this description before you start listening, delay your podcast listening session and call people, freeze your credit reports, go to Bellarmine College Preparatory in San Jose, graduate and go to Harvard, become an American author of comic books and crime novels, and write a script for a movie so narratively inept that it’s director is blackballed from directing the next installment of a tent pole cross-media franchise. And also check your credit report. Then you should be good. Zero Credit(s)!
Listeners, it’s time we had a little talk. As the official description writer of the Zero Credit(s) episodes, I feel it’s my place to warn you that this episode has a level of spookiness that, frankly, makes me uncomfortable. I am not a cowardly man or woman by any means, but this episode sent chills down my spine. Creepy happenings at fast food restaurants. Possibly satirical pop/rock songs about manhood. Video games featuring radio ghosts. It’s all here and it will frighten you as it frightened me. I’m seriously contemplating sending in my two week’s notice if they continue down this road of spookiness. I hear they’re planning something for October and I just don’t know if I have it in me to press on. Well, you’ve been warned. Listen at your own risk.
I don’t know what I’ve been told, Henry’s getting pretty old. Sound off. One, two. Howdy, Fashionistros and Fashionettes, to this comma-laden episode of Zero Credit(s). Henry, and John, like, discuss the warm glow altruism of birthday well-wishing, and subsequently devise the greatest birthday gaslighting campaign of the century. John, then, gripes about how fashion is expensive and how he’ll never afford shorts. On this week’s installment of What’s Happening in Game of Thrones, Henry gently reminds John that he remembers nothing from the books. John and Henry have made it a condition of their joint will that upon death, all of their unreleased podcasts will be fired into the sun. Seems kinda excessive, but hey will’s are like genies so WE CAN’T ARGUE. Put on your best reverse psychology shirt; it’s time for ZERO CREDIT(S).
Tonight we have a nice four course content meal, starting with a nice roasted Taste Testing of Coke’s new product in which Henry and John discover something new about themselves and the world. We then have a tossed Total Solar Eclipse salad, a light shared experience for the whole continent. We then move on to our main course, a char broiled TAYLOR SWIFT IS A SNAKE GODDESS AND WE HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT–WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED, SWIFT, KNOW THIS. And for dessert, a nice chocolate covered revelation about Joss Whedon, still in development but still worth discussing. Wine will be served after each course.* Enjoy your dinner.
*You will have to supply the wine, just pour a new glass when they change topics.
The staff of the Zero Credit(s) offices would like to inform our listeners that the unthinkable has occurred: Henry and John have had to record an episode denouncing Nazism. One would have seemed wise to assume that there would never be a time in which two amateur podcast hosts would be duty-bound to publicly come out against Nazis. Oh and also murderers. But, like. Here we are now I guess. The boys get pretty political in this episode which, I feel I should remind you, was deemed a necessary medium to convey the message that Nazis and people who murder other people are bad. Just go ahead and pour yourself a drink, listener, because, man, c’mon. Kick your feet up, get comfy, and sink into this relaxing podcast episode which actually had to come out in opposition to Nazis and murderers. This is the new normal.
Listeners, it’s time to join Henry and John on their mission to bring to light information that those who hold the power do not want us to know. The powers that be have information they don’t want to get out, but thanks to our super sleuthing s-hosts, everyone will know that you shouldn’t spoil things if you’re a media journalist. Just don’t do it. Stop. Henry’s uncovered a massive conspiracy the likes of which the world has never seen or heard all revolving around Mick Jagger. But the hits don’t stop coming as John reveals a 17.5% larger conspiracy the likes of which the world has never seen in the time honored segment What Did You Watch. We need to get to the bottom of this, so start at the top and work backwards, it’s Zero Credit(s) time.
“Listen. This is a podcast? Who leaked that to you? Let me tell you one thing. I have three to four podcast hosts I’m going to fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you. Henry? Henry — if you want to leak something — is going to be asked to resign very soon. I’m not John. I’m not trying to host my own segments. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the strength of the podcast. I’m here to write the descriptions. They’re trying to resist me. I’ve done nothing wrong in my podcast descriptions. The hosts will not defeat me.”
Listeners, we are on the cusp of some of the greatest changes we could ever fathom in our society. Changes that may be the end of life as we know it, but not in like a sense that means everything dies or anything like that, just that life as we know it would be different and thus ended. Henry and John tackle the serious issues this episode, issues that no one else seems to be talking about. While politics is well, a mess, Coca-Cola is trying to sneak end Coke Zero in favor of a new product. Yeah, I know, shady AF, as the kids say. Why kill off an entire product line? Why rebrand and keep just one part of the name? The new stuff will be called Coke Zero Sugar. You know they’re banking on people shortening the name to just Coke Zero, but it won’t be the same. They will have killed a fine, tasty, zero calorie beverage and for what? A product that is similar to regular Coke? If I wanted regular Coke, I would buy regular Coke. I mean, gosh, it’s not that hard Coca-Cola. Anyway, they also talk about other things, in this episode, but I’m really burned up about this whole Coke thing.
Shhhh! Halt your noises! This is a sneaky-beaky episode of Zero Credit(s) because John’s S.O. is asleep 13 inches away and John has very poor time management skills. The boys quietly contemplate the diminishing returns of loyalty to a single company, which is something both of them have been thinking A LOT about lately. From there, John stealthily thrills Henry with a tryptic (?) detailing the sad fate of a lone robotic hero. There’s an old legend that states that if you listen reeeeal close to this episode, you can actually hear John falling asleep Prepare your ears for velvet, listeners, because those doggies are about to get all they can handle. Woof. ASMR.
Howdy folks, we’re back from our Fourth of July Break with a new episode for your thirsty, thirsty ears. Speaking of fireworks, aren’t they one of the weirdest approximations of war we use to celebrate how free from war we are? Or are we free at all? Hm. We then talk Wolff’s Law as John and Henry pledge to be the strongest, most adaptive things on the planet, and hopefully in a good way. Then J and H take a The Break featuring Merry Kitchen by Joystick off their new album Sinceriously before getting back to the grind of Baby Driver. Go see Baby Driver in theaters. Buy Baby Driver on BluRay and DVD. Become Baby Driver in real life and drive cars while listening to music and time everything perfectly to the songs you’re listening to. Baby Driver. We’re on social media.
Music:
Merry Kitchen – Joystick
(off their album Sinceriously) Bandcamp