We continue our trend of covering huge movie franchises this week by diving straight into a couple of Fast and Furious related updates that are sure to not grate on you. You all love hearing about Vin Diesel every week, right? Right. We also promise and eventually deliver some Star War news that is sure to excite or perplex or whatever. I think we did a pretty okay job of it, too. It’s all right here, right now, on Zero Credit(s).
Look, it can no longer be denied. Zack Snyder is going to save cinema with his cut of Justice League. We all thought it was going to be Christopher Nolan’s Tenet, but that film was a false prophet that dragged cinema down into the dirt. Only Zack Snyder can pull off the movie event of the decade, neigh, the century to singlehandedly save the movie going experience. But no story is complete without a villain, an antagonist to stand in the way of our intrepid hero. Enter Disney, a media conglomerate that owns more properties than a Monopoly board. Disney is raising an army of quality content slated to come out in the next year to three years. Can the Snyder Cut stand up in the face of so much evil? Only time will tell, dear friends. Only time will tell.
I know, right? It’s kind of outrageous. John hates Baby Yoda. It’s kind of disgusting. I can’t believe it either. Anyway, this episode of Zero Credit(s) is 50% crazy holiday time traditions and 50% just the latest episode of the Mandalorian. That’s about it, really.
Years ago, I was sitting in a Portland Cafe around 2 pm on Wednesday. I believe the cafe’s name was Brown Time. Local joint, good atmosphere. I was sitting there, sipping on a cup of warm Brown™, when comedian Bill Burr pulled up a chair and sat next to me. He looked me dead in my eyes and he whispers, “Listen here, buddy. This is a stick-up. I am robbing you here in this Brown Time in Portland, Oregon on a Wednesday at 2 pm. Here’s the thing though, palie. I don’t want your money. I don’t want your wallet. Keep it in your pocket, champ.” He looked around, to see if anyone had caught on to his plans, but everyone had their heads buried in their laptops and books. “No, I want something far more valuable, chum. I need your time. Give me your time. I need it. I only have so much time. And I spend more than half of it on stage. Telling jokes. I tell jokes on a stage and make people laugh, but there’s so much more I need to do. So I need your time.” Bill Burr took out a small handgun. He leveled it my chest. “This is a gun, buddy. And it shoots bullets.” He chocked the gun, because it was one of those guns with like the manual hammer thing that they use in movies. “I need your time, pall-o mall-o. I have some projects I want to be in. Star Wars. I’m going to be in Star Wars and no one can stop me but time. Cause I need to be on the road. I need the jokes. I need those jokes to live, skinbag. But Star Wars is so much more. I grew up on that sweet, sweet space opera. It could make my year, jerkboy. So here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to give me a month. That’s all I need. Just give me a month right here on the table. Just lay a month on the table and you can go. Just one month. It’s all I need. All I need is a month. One month.”
He squinted his eye and looked down the barrel of his small handgun.
So I did what anyone would do. I put one of my months on the table. It was a February I’d been saving for a special occasion. I don’t want to call Mr. Burr out, but he did steal a month of my time from me. And I’ll never get it back.
It’s Zero Credit(s)!
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU //
IT WILL START IN A SECOND OR TWO //
BUT BEFORE THE END BEGINS //
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR DEAR FRIENDS //
FRIGHTENTIMES, THEY’RE HERE TO STAY //
AND RUIN YOUR LIFE IN EVERY WAY //
BUCKLE UP, SIT TIGHT, HANG LOOSE //
WHILE WE GET READY THE FINAL NOOSE //
Also, fuck D.B. Weiss and David Benioff.
It’s been five years. The Galactic Order marches on. Rey has been doing push ups for three years straight. Who is Rose? This is the voyage of the J.J. Abraprise. To boldly retread the ground that others have tread so well before. The boys are heading to space to discuss all the fast paced, starkiller based news as Star Wars Celebration 2019 happened last week and boy is twitter a battleground. While fans of the series gathered to share their passions and love for this decades long journey, the twitter trolls crawled out from under their groady wooden bridges to harp on the fact that “literal terrorist” Rian Johnson had already killed the time-honored story and no amount of J.J. could fix what that alleged “non-figurative monster” had done. Rian responded as any ill-acting citizen would, with complete and utter joy and love for the series. So who’s in the right? Is The Last Jedi a good movie? Should we be excited for this poorly named Episode IX? We discuss it all this week, and less! on Zero Credit(s) Podcast.
Also for some reason John decided to play the theme music just like directly over Henry’s joke this week and we’re not sure if it’s an artistic choice or he hated the joke. You decide!
With last week’s Less Than Zero done, it’s finally time for the first episode of Zero Credit(s) of 2018. But first, here’s a Supplemental Reading on Rian Johnson’s The Last Jedi from your favorite hosts Henry and John. The boys come at this movie from conflicting angles to determine what’s the deal with everyone’s reaction to the next installment in this timeless franchise. They cover it all from the meticulous crafting of the smallest of small details in the plot to the overarching statements this movie makes about intertextuality. That’s right, we’re getting back to our SupRed Roots and talking about this movie as more than just a film you watch to enjoy. This movie has a message and we’ll expose it even if we have to remain shirtless for the an entire scene. So grab your BB8 or YY-8 and strap in for a more enlightened and informed look at The Last Jedi that no one asked for.
Super Star Wars Return of the Jedi – Main Theme
Cantina Band (DJ AG REMIX) – DJ AG
John’s out due to adjusting to his work schedule, so Jamie’s back to brighten up the podcast and tell us everything she knows about plumbing. She insisted I let you know, Dear Listener, that she was already in her warm pajamas when Henry asked her to fill in for John at the last second, and she had to go out into the cold in order to get to the Zero Credit(s) Studio (apartment). Meanwhile, Henry is in intense pain as he has somehow hurt his back while sitting at his office desk. The pain clouds his mind brain, so he completely forgot to talk about the New Year, New Mic joke he had planned the entire episode around. Not once does he mention that the Zero Credit(s) team has upgraded from the standard Yeti Snowball to the deluxe Audio-Technica AT2020USB+. So if anything sounds weird, we’re still trying to grasp the advanced mechanics that is an actual microphone with a hard to pronounce name.
We’ll be back with normal episodes soon! Happy New Year!
Underclocked by Eric Skiff
Welcome to normal day podcast. We talk about all of your favorite segments. The olympics get spooky terrors. We then briefly reveal where henry talks about horror games featuring music by the semi honored classic simulation fire. This change in atmosphere fuels our discussion of the best content known to exist offline, listeners, and that is happiness within oneself. John talks about centralized programming and it will frighten you as it seems to be awful or something new or terribly old. Sound off the boys, henry, this is the beginning of our current season and john is harboring a secret that could threaten the very existence of the wild west. To the north there is happiness: traffic will be awful. I work backwards in theaters, dear listener, so please be a dear listener to relax in theaters. Buy baby driver on bluray.