Episode 77: The New Normal

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WELCOME TO EPISODE 4 OF THE FRIGHTENTIMES /
EPISODE 5 COMING SOON / EPISODE 6 FOLLOWS /
AND FOREVER ON / WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF /
DO YOU EVER GET ANXIOUS / EMAIL US /
IF YOU REALLY HAD TO DO IT WHO WOULD YOU HURT FIRST /
JOIN THE CONVERSATION RATE COMMENT SUBSCRIBE /
EVERY TIME YOU SLEEP YOU DIE /
WHEN YOU WAKE UP YOU ARE BORN AGAIN /
AN ANIMAL WILL LET YOU KNOW IF IT IS BEING HURT /
DO YOUR FEARS COME FROM A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING OR AN UNWILLINGNESS TO UNDERSTAND /
FEED / FEED US / WELCOME TO THE FRIGHTENTIMES /
WELCOME TO NORMAL /

 

Featuring:
Killers by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

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Episode 76: The Shining Mountain of Death

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Just a little bit further now, I promise. We’ve come so far into the abyss, haven’t we? I doubt we’ll be able to return the same, go back to what we once were. The things we’ve seen change a person. I’ve tried to shield you from most of it. I wonder if you appreciate my…sacrifice. No longer am I the mild-mannered podcast episode description writer I once was. I have been broken down, made to suffer gruesome horror after gruesome horror. Am I better for it? Are you happy you’ve been spared? Why do you keep staring at me with those searching eyes? What are you looking for, my humanity? We’re literally surrounded by beasts, ghouls, and monstrosities and you can’t tear your freaking eyes off me. Oh, is that it? You think I’m the monster here? Not the two self-centered jerks who started this? Who flung open the door of terror so flippantly with no regard for anyone else? Why don’t you go back the way we came. I can see this through on my own. I don’t need anyone else. I’ll put an end to this, once and for all, even if I have to give everything.

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Episode 75: A Long-Fingered Hand

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We had all asked them to stop. Made them aware of the dangers. They didn’t listen. They continued unabated into the darkness, seeking the truth that hides within it. They’ve opened the door, and it’s up to us to close it. I understand your hesitation and wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to come with me, but someone has to stop the Frightentimes. The infection has to be cured at its source, and there’s only one place that could be. Be good, listener. There’s a long road ahead of us, but just remember that if we see each other again… Forget it. Forget everything. Just be good.

 

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Episode 74: Fear is Here aka “The Lighthouse”

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It’s here. I tried to warn you, but what could we do? Henry and John have gone too far into the abyss and now they’re bringing it back with them as they return from their twisted journeys. Sure, they say they cover the cultural happenings of our current times in order to observe the Zeitgeist, but the sinister truth is far more distorted and vile than you can imagine. I’ve said too much. I think they’re on to me, but I’m come too far to let this go now. No, I will stop them. Even if it takes all month. Also, I guess they discuss fears in this episode in an attempt to find the foot of all fear. Hold on tight till next week, Dear Listeners.

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Episode 73: Kneeful Things

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John’s back on his philosophy BS this week, as the boys discuss– Wait. Did you hear that? I guess it’s nothing. Yeah. Ok. Um. Anyway, John has been reading some French stuff about loneliness or whatever, so Henry– Ok I definitely heard something that time. Like… A whining noise maybe. One second.
…
It must be the plumbing. Or. Or something. So Henry and John talk about the artistry of an effective protest, while contrasting that with the asymmetrical reaction to said protest and… This… They uh… They do a What Did You Watch and John… Ok. Let’s start this description again. Power through. John’s back on his philoAAAAAGG OH NO IT’S A SCARE A SCARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EPISODE DESCRIPTION OH JEEZ IT’S TERRIBLE HOW SCARY THIS IS MY BRAIN IS ON FIRE WITH SCARES MY SKIN IT IS SO HOT FROM SCARES STAY TUNED NEXT MONTH FOR MORE OF THIS OK LOVE YOU BYE ZERO CREDIT(S) BYE0

 

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Episode 72: 15,000 Dollar Shirt

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Well, Dear Listeners, we’re closing in fast on the last few weeks of September, the last few weeks of safety. This week, Henry and John discuss a lot of dark, dreary stuff, but it’s nothing compared to what’s coming. Recent earthquakes in Mexico, being more mindful in how you choose to spend your money, the Emmy’s. These are a few of the things they talk about, but believe me when I tell you that dark days are ahead of us. I’ve become numb to it all, but the pay is too good to leave this job and part of me secretly hopes I can do something to prevent what’s ahead. Ultimately, I know I will fail, but it’s this thought of hope that keeps me moving forward. Keep moving forward, Listeners. Everything has eyes.

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Episode 71: Bye Bye Identity

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Let’s just put this up front: you GOTTA care about this Equifax thing. I’m in serious trouble if Henry and John find out I’m not weaving this into a mirthsome episode description, but you GOTTA take steps to prevent your identity being stolen. Even if you’re just giving this podcast the ole 71 Try and you’ve seen this description before you start listening, delay your podcast listening session and call people, freeze your credit reports, go to Bellarmine College Preparatory in San Jose, graduate and go to Harvard, become an American author of comic books and crime novels, and write a script for a movie so narratively inept that it’s director is blackballed from directing the next installment of a tent pole cross-media franchise. And also check your credit report. Then you should be good. Zero Credit(s)!

 

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Episode 70: Cravin’ that Dairy Queen Gravy

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Listeners, it’s time we had a little talk. As the official description writer of the Zero Credit(s) episodes, I feel it’s my place to warn you that this episode has a level of spookiness that, frankly, makes me uncomfortable. I am not a cowardly man or woman by any means, but this episode sent chills down my spine. Creepy happenings at fast food restaurants. Possibly satirical pop/rock songs about manhood. Video games featuring radio ghosts. It’s all here and it will frighten you as it frightened me. I’m seriously contemplating sending in my two week’s notice if they continue down this road of spookiness. I hear they’re planning something for October and I just don’t know if I have it in me to press on. Well, you’ve been warned. Listen at your own risk.

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Episode 69: Frankie Says Be ‘Fraid

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I don’t know what I’ve been told, Henry’s getting pretty old. Sound off. One, two. Howdy, Fashionistros and Fashionettes, to this comma-laden episode of Zero Credit(s). Henry, and John, like, discuss the warm glow altruism of birthday well-wishing, and subsequently devise the greatest birthday gaslighting campaign of the century. John, then, gripes about how fashion is expensive and how he’ll never afford shorts. On this week’s installment of What’s Happening in Game of Thrones, Henry gently reminds John that he remembers nothing from the books. John and Henry have made it a condition of their joint will that upon death, all of their unreleased podcasts will be fired into the sun. Seems kinda excessive, but hey will’s are like genies so WE CAN’T ARGUE. Put on your best reverse psychology shirt; it’s time for ZERO CREDIT(S).

 

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Episode 68: Zero Credit(s) Zero Sugar

Zero Credit(s)

Tonight we have a nice four course content meal, starting with a nice roasted Taste Testing of Coke’s new product in which Henry and John discover something new about themselves and the world. We then have a tossed Total Solar Eclipse salad, a light shared experience for the whole continent. We then move on to our main course, a char broiled TAYLOR SWIFT IS A SNAKE GODDESS AND WE HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT–WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED, SWIFT, KNOW THIS. And for dessert, a nice chocolate covered revelation about Joss Whedon, still in development but still worth discussing. Wine will be served after each course.* Enjoy your dinner.

*You will have to supply the wine, just pour a new glass when they change topics.

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