It’s time once again for a fully political episode of Zero Credit(s). We know that’s not everyone’s bag, but it should be, at least if you live in the U.S., since this sort of affects all of us. Come hear what dumb things the government’s been doing in only the first two weeks of the year. Next week, the Golden Globes, so stay tuned right here, on Zero Credit(s).
We’ve got some BREAKING NEWS this week, as we interrupt your normal episode description to let you know that this week’s episode BREAKS some news every segment. That’s right, we’re back in the Zero Credit(s) News Network Studios to bring you all the latest and BREAKING news from last Tuesday. A newcomer to the sonic movies is making waves. A mystery star and company will never speak to each other again. A politician has landed in some spicy water. And the most powerful musician of all time uses her powers…for good? All shall be revealed as we BREAK the news to you, this week on Zero Credit(s).
We don’t reveal a lot of things on this show, but one thing becomes very clear in this week’s episode. Henry doesn’t know a thing. It’s true. He’s been talking all this time, all these years, and he doesn’t know a thing. Come find out what Henry doesn’t know, although the tags will probably spoil a little of it. Also we discuss the current political landscape, so that’s fun as well!
After a long two-week hiatus, the boys are stuffed like turkeys with that capital G, capital C Good Content. We’ve got your weekly Fast and Furious update, some promises to do a Best/Worst 2019 that may or may not happen, and a whole lot more before we inevitably dive into the supreme joke that is American politics. Joe Biden is making speeches again and boy does it just tickle John’s fancy. The moral of the story: Do Crimes. Just go out and Do some Crimes. Crimes are the future. Do them today*.
*In no way does Zero Credits endorse or support the Doing of Crimes from a legally actionable standpoint. Please do not sue us.
As dawn breaks around him, Hanz Killum is dimly aware of a sensation he hasn’t felt since Cuba: apprehension. He’s been hired by the Alleged World Elite Sex Crimes Cabal before to enact the unspeakable upon their speakable enemies before, but this time felt different. No one had died in the secure housing unit of the Metropolitan Correction Center in over 20 years. Could he make it in, alert no guards, destroy any video evidence, eliminate his target (ideally in a way that suggests suicide or misadventure), collect the microfiche, and extract himself via jetski all while using no save slots? It was time to find out.
“Alleged Sex Criminal Jeffrey Epstein, I presume” Killum intoned while collecting the crepe-paper bedsheet between his outstretched hands. Epstein recoiled, “I thought they would simply give me, Alleged Human Trafficker and Procurement Specialist for the World Elite Jeffrey Epstein, the same kind of CIA Cancer that they allegedly gave to my butler!” Killum padded closer, exuding the kind of coiled malice that is allegedly afforded to those working for the Alleged Sex Crime Cabal Including Chris Tucker Among Others. “I just wanted to spend time with you, Jeffrey. You could call it…” Killum looped the bedsheets around the neck of the alleged sex criminal. “A limited hangout.”
An excerpt from “Kill St. James: If I Did It (I Probably Did.) Book Seven of the Killum Chronicles”
You’re going about your day, perhaps you’re walking down a busy street on your way to work or to a local ball game. The sun hangs high in the sky, peaking from behind a cloud and everything seems like it’s going to be okay. That’s when you hear it. The news jingle. It creeps into your ears and lays its eggs. The sun is gone. It’s 6 pm Central Time. The street is gone. Nothing remains save a lone television set in front of you blasting the news jingle straight into your brain. The news is here. There is no escape. Learn about things you read on the internet hours ago as though they are happening right now. The news is here. There is no escape. I am your news host and this, breaking news, is your death.
John’s out on vacation so it’s up to Henry to save this podcast one last time. And he’s getting too old for this sh*t, so the agency assigns him a partner. Now we all know that Henry is a rule abiding, by-the-book cop, so it’s a bit of a curveball when he’s assigned to young-gun rookie straight out of the academy of bloodlust, Jeff. It’s a roaring good time for the whole family, just as long as you all have the same political beliefs and feelings about politicians using Twitter. It’s all here and more in this hour and a half special of Zero Credit(s).
Note: We used Zencastr to record this interview-styled podcast and it had a few kinks that we didn’t know until after the recording. You may notice Jeff’s mic cut-out for absolutely no reason when I happen to talk over him. We have since fixed this, but we could not apply it retroactively, so it still persists in this episode. Future interview episodes should be fine though.
Spoiler alert, we get political.
It’s election night in America and Henry and John are champing at the bit to spit their particular political opinions all over your ears. Yeah, it’s gross. This is politics. It tends to get gross. Nothing is held back. Political parties are dropped into pits. Politicians are dragged across the coals. Candidates are lifted up the mountain to be dropped off the other side. Voting is the real battlefield and the war zone is littered with the corpses of democracy. And at the center of this is a healthy serving of “fuck Ted Cruz” dished up by your local artisan rant-chef John. The boys are drinkin’ and thinkin’ and the Zeitgeist is a horrible demon to have on your shoulder when politics rolls around.
But fear not, my child-fams. There is a shining beacon of hope in all this darkness. Shrek is getting rebooted. And there’s nothing more pure in the world than an ogre voiced by Mike Myers.